September 20, 2013

I'm not sure what the actual date will be when this post becomes public knowledge, but today I need to get everything I feel written down.

Today is September 20, 2013.

This should have been my due date - my due date for my sweet baby whose life ended shortly before it had begun.

I knew this day could be a sad day. A day that was spent mourning the loss of my child and remembering the sting of the words when the doctor said "Your pregnancy isn't viable."

I knew this day could be a day when I dwelt on all the things that were "wrong" with my body.

I knew this day could be a hard day. A day that I spent questioning and trying to wrap my mind around the "whys" and the "hows" and the "why nots".

What I did not know is that this would be a day of redemption.

What I did not know was that God was going to take this day and turn it for my good and ultimately for His glory.

You see, on September 20, 2013 - I found out I was pregnant.

Jordan and I had been trying on our own to conceive for seven months. Even though I'd taken fertility drugs to get pregnant with Ada, neither Jordan or I had a peace about using them again. 

For six of the seven months, I'd obsessed about charting and consistently updating my very own "fertility app". Finally, after six months of "doing everything right" with no results - I finally surrendered my fertility in the hands of the One who knits all life together. After all, who was I to think that I had any control over it?

When I say I surrendered my fertility - I truly surrendered it. It wasn't a revolutionary idea I came up with after six months of no results... it was a call from my Heavenly Father that He'd been whispering to me for oh so long. I just finally "put down my bootstraps" and leaned into Him... and it was painful. My heart knew that apart from Him, there is no life... but another part of me wanted so badly to stay in control... Stupid flesh. 

I finally - after much prodding and pushing by the Holy Spirit - trusted that if in His good pleasure, he saw fit to fill my womb again... He would. 

And He did. 

In a glorious way. 

For some of you this may seem trite. For others, you've been where I am or had far worse heartache than most of us could imagine.

After being told I'd most likely always need the fertility drug Clomid to conceive... God chose to knit this life inside of me without the use of any fertility drugs.

Soli Deo Gloria!!!

I know that my "struggles" pale in comparison to many women. In fact, some of my dearest friends are still waiting... 

My prayer is that you would find comfort in the Creator and trust that if you are His... everything He does is for your good and His glory... even when it hurts.

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I wrote that post a couple of months ago. My heart was full and I wanted to share, but knew that it wasn't the right time.

A friend asked me not too long ago if I was going to blog about this pregnancy like I did with Ada's, and the answer is "YES!"

I cannot wait to share our family's journey of bringing a new little life into this world.